Useless Things Humans
Do
Hello. I am the Grand Duchess Scarlett, Ruler of the Renner
Household. Occasionally, I wake up and feel led to impart wisdom to my subjects.
I have graciously decided to allow Mama to share today’s insights with her
friends, so they too can bask in my astuteness.
Dad says not all mom’s readers are blessed with felines. Meh. Let
them get cats.
Today I will share ten useless things humans do. If you will
cease wasting time on these tasks you will have time for more important activities,
such as petting, preparing tasty homemade cat treats, etc.
1.
Preparing “Lighter” Meals- Seriously? A waste of time and materials. No
one likes them. Bleh. Take your corn chowder, for example. Divine recipe. Even
I, an avowed carnivore, LOVE it! I’ve even gone so far as to leap to the
countertop and sample a few mouthfuls from the crockpot when you aren’t
looking. But, the other day, you made it with skim milk instead of cream, and sautéed
the onions in ghee instead of butter. Highly unfortunate decision. Dad usually
eats three bowls and takes the rest to work to “share.” He choked down half a
bowl and suggested you take the rest to the new neighbors as a welcoming gift.
I hear they’re thinking of moving. Cook the way you always have and no one will
get scratched. Don’t bother looking for your “Healthy Eats” cookbook. I gave it
to the dog and he ate it.
2.
Sucking Your Tummy In- Wastes energy. Consider
me. I have a lovely, fat tummy. I’ve earned mine, just as you have, despite your
talk about hereditary factors. But you seldom see mine, BECAUSE I WALK ON ALL
FOURS. My tummy hangs down, and is much less noticeable. My hair grows down and
hides it, and the nice, slim line of my tail distracts from it. Of course, you
don’t have much of a tail to speak of, and what you do have shows a distressing
tendency to spread horizontally instead of vertically, but work with what you’ve
got.
3.
Vacuuming- Ok, I get it. The beast you call a
dog sheds all the time, and it IS disgusting. Get rid of him. Then all you will
have to deal with is MY hair. Since I present most of it to you in a moistly
packaged hairball, it’s not like you have to vacuum it. Simple. Ax the dog.
4.
Buying Organic Foods- It’s expensive. There are other
options for healthy. Let me outside for
a few hours. I’ll bring you some nice, plump, organic chipmunks. Half for you,
half for me- you can even have the back half. And the grass outside is really
tasty, try it instead of that kale stuff. Dad and the kids put so much dressing
on it, kale CAN’T really be good in the long run.
5.
Well, I had ten, but, yawn, it’s time for my 10
am nap. Later, maybe. If I remember.
